cant get used to

i’m back home now. geez feels like forever since i’ve been writing up here and it feels all the more strange that i’m in a peaceful atmosphere. i cant get used to it. how strange it is. i was longing for this.. silence. but i cant get myself to relax, all worked up about something from the past and the future. damn i’m not living in the NOW.. not living at all. i helped my mother to put up the xmas tree even if i didnt have the heart to put it up, wasnt really in the spirit, never was. but mom was excited, as always. she has that look in her eyes of a child and i didnt have the heart to turn her down. i told her to put all the balls and fruits silver and white this year, and at the end it turned out pretty weird but stunning at the same time. Like introducing the snow to the tropics. my mom thought it looked pretty and cooling. i thought it was icy, mean and cold with a touch of sharpness that contrasted its beauty. kinda visualizes my mood this year.. icy, cold and mean i guess..

i love you mom. she looked like mickey mouse with her hair clipped up in two. should have snapped a pic. 

most of the evenings and the sleepy hour of the afternoon, i never escape the feeling to dream. just sit and dream, just lie and dream, sleep and dream.. so recently i have been living my life in my head. not much of a person with action, thanks dad.

i hope i change. i hope things change for the better.